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Choice
Once Again
Its around this time, every year, when I get into this strange kind of mood- Highly sensitive and equally numb…. Just words and visuals echoing in my ears and flashing in my eyes….
Been three years now, and it is as if my biological clock is programmed to work that way…. I may not remember the dates, I may not remember the day or time, yet at this specific moment, every year, the same demons resurface… Depression, anger, regrets, pain and so much more…. And it is because of these things that I realize it is Nov 26th today- The day I last spoke to my most beloved mother; in anger, assuming she had no time to wish me a day before for my wedding anniversary. I threw a tantrum and hung up the phone on her, thinking she would call back, which she never did, because the angels from heaven never gave her the chance to.
The next thing I remember is the call from my sister asking if I spoke to Ammi (mother). And then a never ending series of events, that just lead to the one incident,which left a hole in my heart, the size of Jupiter, and the characteristics of Sun– centre, burning, hurting, painful.
She was my mentor, my guide, my teacher, my fashion designer, my critique, my guard, the best cook in the world(That now I am called by mine), my best friend to the extent that I never had any best friend, never needed one in her presence. My first love and I was her pride-her blue eyed baby. My siblings would complain that even the love you have for the rest of us is not equal to the love you have for Amber alone. Lucky me! Her love for me was so deep and profound that she never even discussed her 3 year long battle with Adenocarcinoma and the effects of it on her beautiful, short life of just 51 years, as she knew it would worry me.
She cared enough to make sure I keep getting the same love by sending me her replica in the form of a special angel.
No words I say or write can ever put the pain in words. Thinking of her still makes me feel like a child in need of a warm hug from her mother!
Needless to say her absence makes even the happiest of moments, the saddest.
May she rest in peace in the best gardens of Jannah(Heaven)- Aameen
On her 3rd death anniversary….
Direct dil say….
I felt like this some months back, when I was in a limbo, trying to deny a fact, while it remained one. and I just felt it now, right now. As if someone is holding my heart and just crushing it in the palm of their hand.
Life has always been like this…. And I am sure all of us experience it that way…. The first breathe we take, is so uncertain. Would it go on? Would it stop? The first step taken as a toddler, is never certain-one might trip, might fall; still it is taken. The first attempt to run, sit, stand, write, read, laugh, swim, drive, jump, fight, hit, punch, love- the list goes on… The uncertainty continues…so does our voluntary and involuntary actions….Not knowing the results, we see light at the end of the tunnel in our own respective way and we continue this journey, to go on all our lives.
For me, I’ve always seen the glass half-full!! Or say FULL. In the worst of situations, I’ve pulled myself together and hoped for things to get better…And they did!! Exams, work, personal matters, matters of heart-everything! I remember at work when we were about to conduct a workshop and my colleagues would freak out on the low attendance, I would tell them “Ho jaega” (We’ll do it) and they would ask “How can you say that with just a day left?” and I would reply “I don’t know” . And the Sunday morning, my boss would ask, “What did you do?” I didn’t know. I still do not know.
May be its my utmost belief in God, may be the vibes of my positivity attract all the other positive auras, or may be its just sheer luck, time after time- I don’t know!
All I knew then and all I know now is that if you really want something from the core of your heart, you get it. The path may be difficult, the signs not clear, you might have second thoughts, the time not defined-however if you know what you want and how bad you want it, the key is to just holding on to it and not stepping back, come what may!
For one, I don’t and will never step back from what I desire. God has always been kind. He can’t not fulfill my dream!
“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
― Shel Silverstein